


511 days with your love

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Depression, F/M, I once wrote this when I was sad and bored and i found it, I'm so sorry, Self Harm, Suicide, i dont know if it's good, this is written in like diary entries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-16 01:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2251173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray's sister told him that you could prepare on having break downs if you would write your thoughts down in a notebook, and he starts doing it. He then meets Sofia, who not only takes his bad thoughts away, but who also makes him be the happiest person in the world, for 511 days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	511 days with your love

Day 1  
My sister used to tell me that it’s good for you to write your thoughts down, when you have no one to tell them too, or when you don’t want to tell them anyone at all.  
So, hey diary, I’m Ray!  
I may not call this diary, this is weird. This is just a book where I write in my thoughts, yes.

Lately I’ve been feeling down, more than the usual than I have from time to time, and I don’t know where this is coming from, I feel so lost. I’m not having fun at the things I love anymore. I don’t even want to go to work anymore. They are all noticing that something is wrong with me, and I don’t need that. I don’t need people trying to help me; I’m trying to help myself.  
And that’s not helping.  
Nothing will.

Day 2  
Geoff wanted talked to me today, he again said that he is worried and that he doesn’t want that his favorite Puerto Rican shuts himself out from them.  
I told him that I’m fine, and he didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me too, Geoff. 

Day 4  
I am so stupid, I am so so so stupid.  
I’m embarrassed of myself. I started crying in front of the guys today, I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I broke down crying. At first I thought they would laugh at me, tell me I’m gay but they didn’t, they took care of me. I told them everything I feel and Jack said I should get help at least. They all said I was way too important for them too loose.  
Ryan drove me home and told me that I can call him whenever I’m sad or whenever I needed someone to have company. 

Day 7  
I got a day off today because Geoff made me an appointment at his old Therapist. I was sitting in the waiting room and there was this girl. She was really pretty, and she looked really sad. But she was really pretty, and I hope to see her more often.  
My therapist, Dr. Ligenstein, is a 100 year old Guy, and he seems really nice. He told me that what I have, Depression, is nothing to be ashamed about. He also said that I can get better, if I really want it. He told me that most patients don’t take their pills and that this takes away the possibility of anything ever getting better, I told him I want to get better again, and he told me that I will.  
I will get better.

Day 9  
Today I got off work earlier because I felt sad and I wanted to see Dr. Ligenstein, Geoff told me that I can do that as often as I want until I get better. Everyone in the office wants me to get better.  
The girl was at Dr. Ligensteins Office again, and she smiled at me. She had a really beautiful smile that fit perfectly into her beautiful face. I smiled back and she giggled and turned away.  
I told Dr. Ligenstein that I had nightmares about me falling and falling and it never stopping and that I was scared about these dreams and that I would rather stay awake and not let these dreams take hand. Dr. Ligenstein said that I can’t let these dreams get into my head and that I should fight.  
I should fight to get better. I will fight to get better.  
Please let me get better. 

Day 10  
Today we recorded new Lets Plays and I felt good, I think. I mean, I don’t think I can get better in only nine days, but now that I’m currently a patient at Dr. Ligenstein and I can finally get my thoughts clear, I somehow do feel better. Maybe this is also just a pretend of me from preventing to break down, I don’t know. 

Day 12  
Today I wanted to speak to Dr. Ligenstein, so I went into his office, but he wasn’t there. His secretary said he was sick and that I should come back tomorrow.  
Walking down the stairs I bumped into the pretty girl, her name is Sofia. She told me her name.  
I only know her name because I told her that Dr. Ligenstein was sick and she seemed as sad as me to hear that, she began to shake and told me that she really needed someone to talk to, so she asked me if I could listen, and I did.  
And she was as messed up as me, and I was so sad, someone so pretty shouldn’t feel so sad.  
After she told me all of this, I asked her how she could trust me to tell me all these details of her to a stranger, and she said that from the first time she saw me that I looked like someone she could trust.  
That made me blush, and I was somehow happy to know the name of the beautiful girl.  
Sofia.  
Sofia means Wise. I looked it up on google, and by the way she expressed herself with her movements, I could say that she seemed wise.

Day 14  
I can’t stop thinking about Sofia

Day 16  
I was at Dr. Ligenstein yesterday only to get my medication, and I met Sofia. She seemed happier than the last time I met her.  
She hugged me, she smelled like Roses, and told me it is nice to see me again. She also gave me her cellphone number; she told me that if I ever needed help that I just need to call her. That was very kind of her.

Day 19  
At work I told Gavin and Michael about Sofia, and what I thought of her, and they told me that If I felt like it that I should ask her to hang out.  
They told me that It would be good for me to hang out with people that are like me, they didn’t wanted to use the words Depressed, but I know that they didn’t meant it like that.  
They took care of me, and they wanted me to feel better.  
I was thankful to have them, they were the only family I had. 

Day 23  
The last days were full of great things, If I can say it like that. Over the weekend I met with Sofia, which was great, I finally got to know her. She told me about herself and she seems to be such a great person. Sofia works at a Company which helps homeless people to get Jobs and Homes since she herself had to grow up in a Foster Home and she wanted to prevent children from that. I told her what I’m doing for a living and she confessed that she actually knew me, which made me blush a little bit.  
On Sunday was the xBox one release, where I went to with the rest of the office. That was a lot of fun and I forgot about everything for once.

Day 28  
I’ve met with Sofia, again. We have met every day this week, and I’m happy to have her by my side.  
She makes me feel great. She looks great. She is great, I feel great. 

Day 30  
Sofia slept at my apartment since it got really late yesterday, we played games around 3a.m and as she wanted to walk out of the door I told her that I wouldn’t let a girl walk around at night and that she can sleep at mine, after arguing for five minutes she actually gave in.  
I told her she can take the bed, and as I wanted to leave the room she asked me where I’m going.  
I wanted to sleep at the Sofa, but she wouldn’t let me. We both slept in my bed, which was actually way too small for two people and that’s why we needed to cuddle. I enjoyed it.  
She fell asleep in my arms, and I’ve never seen someone more beautiful whilst being asleep. And I never saw a cuter grumpy person when waking up. 

Day 31  
I think I’m in love with Sofia

Day 33  
I was really happy at work today, which made everyone in the Office seem happier too. As Geoff told me why I’m so happy lately I told them all about Sofia. He told me that I should bring her by the office one day, when I’m sure that the thing between us is legit.  
I don’t even know if Sofia likes me back.  
Please like me back.

Day 39  
The last few days have been really stressful, since RTX is soon and we need to get everything packed, and all the panel times’ right. Dr. Ligenstein told me that I should take a pause whenever I feel like it’s too much. And I do.  
I’m also really sad over the lack of Sofia in the last days. I need to call her as soon as possible.

Day 42  
Today was a great day, we had our Panel at 10 in the morning and I had nothing to do for the rest of the day, so I enjoyed RTX. With Sofia.  
And the greater thing about being at RTX with Sofia, is holding hands with Sofia. It was like her little soft hands were perfectly made for mine, and I enjoyed having her around.  
I also introduced her to everyone I knew, they complemented her on how cute she is, which made her blush, it always made her blush. She is the cutest person I know.

Day 45  
Sofia kissed me today. I kissed her back. We kissed each other very long.  
I don’t know how to describe it, but she simply takes my breath away.  
The kiss took my breath away; just the sight of her takes my breath away.

Day 60  
Is it too early to say you love someone? Is it possible to have someone to step into your life where you’re sure that they are the perfect match?  
I know, it is early, and I, I don’t know.  
I love Sofia Carlston.

Day 75  
I met Sofia’s parents today, and I don’t know if they liked me, or if they actually like anyone. But I can see that Sofia doesn’t have the best relationship to her parents, and that was probably the reason why she wanted me to come with her, for mutual support.  
Afterwards she started crying, she broke down right after we went into my apartment. At first I was terrified, she told me that I should just hold her. And I did. For two hours.  
I will never ever break her heart.  
I will never ever let anyone hurt her.

Day 88  
Sofia and I went to LA over the Weekend, and it was the best vacation I had in a while. We shared a lot of intimate moments, but we also talked about how we felt for each other, letting us both confess that we somehow are in love.  
We both know it’s early, but at least I’m sure that she feels the same way as I do. 

Day 112  
She moved into my apartment today, I couldn’t be more happier.

Day 130  
We had a fight today and I felt horrible, it was because I was jealous, once again.  
I never had anyone in my life and of course she has to understand that all of this is new to me, even the boys staring at my girlfriend and asking her out. Of course I get jealous.  
And of course I apologized, I can’t have a clear head with knowing that Sofia is mad at me. 

Day 200  
Hey, sorry that I’ve been so busy the last months that I haven’t really written down my feelings, I know that this won’t be good, and It really wasn’t good.  
I’m feeling down again, and I don’t know why. I have Sofia, I have the guys. I have everything great but somehow it just feels so wrong, and I feel like me myself is in the way of me getting happy.  
So, a lot has happened, Sofia and I know each other for a half a year now and every day with her is everything I ever wanted in life.

Day 222  
Today I wanted Ryan to come with me to the mall, because I thought about something important that I needed to do. So, basically, I bought a ring.  
Ryan told he that this is a huge step, and he himself needed a lot of courage and preparation to finally ask his now Wife, but he also told him that Marriage doesn’t change anything in a Relationship of two people. I never was a person to think of marriage, or children. I despised all of that, until I met Sofia. And it might be too early, again, but I don’t want her to walk around the world without a ring on her finger, because that’s what she deserves. She deserves the best, and if she thinks I’m the best for her, she needs to say yes, because I’m going to be with her till the end of time.

Day 230  
I’m gonna ask Sofia tonight, I haven’t prepared anything special, because she said she doesn’t like surprises, maybe she doesn’t even like that. 

Day 231  
Sofia said yes. She said yes. YES! 

Day 250  
Sofia started planning the wedding with Lindsay today; they seem to really like each other. Everyone in the office think she’s perfect for me, because she’s so different, but yet so made for me. I couldn’t be more happier. 

Day 274  
Besides our Wedding planning, which won’t be anything fancy, Lindsay and Michael got married today. And it was a great ceremony, we felt how much they meant to each other, and I couldn’t stop looking at Sofia during the ceremony, she looked happy and I can’t wait for her to walk down the aisle, in a white dress.  
Whatever happened to you Ray, you’re a homo. 

Day 290  
And when I look into your eyes I see the future  
I love you more than the ocean loves the sun  
I think you’re perfect, from the moment I met you  
Why are wedding vows so hard to write? I’ve been sitting at this for hours now, and the wedding is in thirteen days! Maybe If I really focus something good will come out  
“Sofia, Never in my life did I expected to be loved that much like I am right now, never in my life did I expected to love someone that much that I would indeed catch a bullet for that person. I never thought of something so strong and such a commitment until I met you. And I could not be more thankful for you, I couldn’t be more thankful about the ways you make me feel. With you I feel like home and I never want to leave my home”  
this wasn’t perfect, and she knew I’m not good with words, but I hope she knows how much it meant that I actually tried.

Day 302  
Today is my bachelor night, and I don’t know what is expecting, since I don’t drink, nor I want any strippers. I hope the lads just come by and play video games, just six best friends hanging around.

Day 303  
Okay, so I’m in my room, in my suit, and I really hope Sofia is coming. She needs to come.  
I think I’m gonna pass out.

Day 304  
Right now, Sofia is lying next to me in bed, asleep. She is still the prettiest person on earth, even asleep. Even on our worst nights. I think I will never get used to her.  
Yesterday we got married. It was a small ceremony, only fifty people, only the closest people.  
My breath left my lungs as she stepped down the aisle; I have the most beautiful wife on earth.  
As clumsy as I am, I of course can’t dance, which made Sofia laugh tears as we went in for the opening dance. Her laugh makes me the happiest person on earth.  
I love Sofia, I love her so much. 

Day 323  
Sofia’s mother died, and even though their relationship wasn’t good it hit her hard, she always tells herself that if she would have established a good relationship it wouldn’t have went that way.  
You need to be there for her now, Ray! Like always, comfort her. Don’t let her go.

Day 330  
She is still crying, I don’t she has stopped since she got the message, I can’t see her like that.

Day 333  
I sent Sofia to Dr. Ligenstein today, she didn’t wanted to and refused that something is wrong. She knew that I wouldn’t believe her, and gave up. I held her hand the whole time she talked to Dr. Ligenstein, she cried a lot, and she needed to catch for breath and it scared me.  
This all scared me.

Day 340  
Sofia and I needed to go to the gynecologist today, she was late. And I don’t know if I’m ready for a baby.

Day 344  
The results came today and I think I’m going to be a father

Day 350  
We went to the gynecologist again, to see the ultra sound of the little human being growing inside of her, and of course there isn’t a lot to see, but I can’t deny this baby. I never thought about children, I never thought about getting any, because I thought they were annoying. Okay, I was a kid myself, I probably was annoying too. Maybe that feeling changes because it is my own, but whatever comes, I will protect you with my life. I promise.

Day 363  
Sofia is so happy, she told her friends, and she told everyone. I think I haven’t seen her so happy since the wedding day, and since she’s happy I think I’m going to be, too. 

Day 395  
We are at the hospital right now. My love woke up in the middle of the night, with huge cramps and she couldn’t even more, so much it hurt. I called the ambulance, and they told me that I should keep her calm, since there wasn’t anything I could really do in such a moment than wait for the ambulance.

Day 396  
She had a miscarriage. 

Day 397  
All our friends and family came by the hospital. She is devastated and won’t talk or eat. And I can’t cope with seeing her like that.

Day 400  
We are back at home and she still hasn’t talked, she just nods her head and cries. I don’t want her to be like that, I don’t want anyone I love to be like that.

Day 403  
Sofia talked today, she apologized. She apologized to me for her miscarriage. And this time it was me to break down crying. Never in my life have I met a selfless person like her, and never in my life did I have the need to hold someone forever like that. 

Day 410  
Sofia is strong, she pleased me to take her to Dr. Ligenstein, and of course I did take her. And of course I held her hand again. 

Day 412  
At work everyone asked me how Sofia is, and I told them that I don’t know myself and I wished I could take her pain away somehow. But I can’t.  
I know that she has to go through that by herself; she has to defeat the demons by herself. And the only help I can be is to be the hold and strength a person needs, and I’m willing to help her whenever I can, because she is the most important person I have in my life.

Day 421  
She told she is fine, I believed her for once. She wore that same smile again, from the first time I met her. God, how much I missed that smile. 

Day 430  
Today I read an article about how the most important people come into your life at the most miserable and hardest times, and how they make it better. Sofia. I think about Sofia.  
Sofia will be there for the rest of the time. 

Day 431  
Today Geoff told me that he always thought that we did all of this too early, he was of course right, we knew each other for fourteen months, and got married, but in a time like this? I think it was right. I told him that she came in the right time and that she made me happier than anyone else and that I never wanted to miss that, he understood. He told me that I’ve been a changed man since I met her, and he might be right. I’ve grown. And the best thing?  
I got better, because of Sofia.  
I finally got better, even though there have been hard times.  
I hope she got better.

Day 465  
We had a fight today and she disappeared, it’s been three hours now and I’m worried.  
It mostly was because I told her to go to Dr. Ligenstein, I was worried about her? Can you blame me? (Okay I’m talking to a notebook) I’m of course still worried about her, she carries herself so low lately and I can’t watch this, I can’t watch her fall apart like this.

Day 466  
She came home at 3a.m that night, drunk. I didn’t even argue about that, she was upset and Alcohol might help, I don’t know, I will never touch that shit. I carried her to bed, since she fell asleep on the couch, snoring. Even in that state she is cute. Even after all these arguments, I still love her. I will love her forever.  
In that night I watched her sleep, realizing how lucky I am with her.  
I can’t say it enough. 

Day 470  
We looked at two different houses today, she said she wanted to have more space for what the future holds. With that she of course meant children, and this time I was a hundred percent sure that I’m ready, and I can’t wait what the future holds with her.

Day 481  
Two days ago we bought a house, it was a small house with five rooms, enough for a bedroom for us, an office, a living room, and maybe two rooms for two little people who yet need to come (cum, hah get it? No, I’ll stop, not here Ray)

Day 485  
We moved our first boxes into the house today, unpacking until we didn’t wanted to anymore. She seemed so happy again, and I realized that it’s not the faked smile after she lost the baby, it was that genuine happy smile, which I loved.

Day 498  
The lads helped us with moving in, and afterwards we had a little barbeque together with Sofia, and the family. Family as in the AH and everyone that belonged to us, and it was nice. It could look forward to do this more often. 

Day 505  
Sofia told me today that she would like to get pregnant; she would at least like to try it. I told her that the next time, which is totally going to happen, will be our luck and we will try it as soon as possible, in which I meant tonight. She laughed, oh god that laugh, and called me an idiot. 

Day 506  
I stayed at home today, and Sofia met with friends from her childhood she hasn’t seen in ten years. She was so excited about this.

Day 507  
It’s 4a.m and Sofia isn’t back yet, she doesn’t reply to my calls, and I sadly don’t have any of her friends contacts.  
-  
It was 9a.m as the hospital called me and told me it’s urgent.  
Day 508  
Sofia had a car crash, she is lying in the hospital bed, not moving, not breathing by herself. She is connected to pipes and whatever the fuck that is, I’m scared and I want her to wake up now. She is in a coma, she won’t wake up in the next days, that’s what the Doctors told me.  
But Sofia won’t listen, right Sofia?  
Please don’t listen, please wake up.

Day 509  
Everyone came to visit her, they brought her flowers and cards, they told me their deepest condolences, and wished everything got better. 

Day 510  
I don’t understand this, how come everything changes within seconds? A few days ago everything was perfect, everything was good, then she had a miscarriage, then she had a goddamn car crash? Why always her? Why never me? Why does the person I care about the most have such a hard time?

Day 511  
They told me she wouldn’t wake up. She won’t wake up anymore. They told me I could take away pain with turning off the machines that keep her alive. I can’t do this.  
But I could take away the pain right, this would help her?  
It would, that’s what they said. 

Day 512  
I gave her one last kiss, even though I bet she didn’t even feel it. 

Day 515  
Today was her funeral, and I really didn’t know what I should do. So I broke down crying. I sat in front of her grave, and I talked to her, with hope that she would sneak up behind me and tell me it’s a sick joke.  
This isn’t a joke.

Day 516  
I’m feeling bad again, I’m feeling so so so bad. And I called Ryan, and I told him. He said he would come by, and he did. That didn’t helped, as soon as I opened the door, I broke down crying and he held me in his arms. He left around 4a.m when I finally fell asleep.

Day 517  
Today I did something I haven’t done in a while, I cut. I cut my thighs, I cut everything. I cut to feel, but there was nothing left to feel, there is nothing, there is no one. 

Day 518  
I’m gonna be okay. Ray is gonna be okay.  
That’s a lie. 

Day 519  
I remember as Sofia and I told each other that in no chance in the world we would take our lives whenever one of us died, but of course we didn’t expected this to be so soon. And I’m so sorry, I really am, but how am I supposed to live without you?  
There is no way, and I won’t. I will not continue on living without you, because what is life without you? It’s all kinds of hell. I’m sorry for giving up.  
I’m so sorry.  
But I’m coming for you Sofia.


End file.
